When Sherrys Attack!
by Wesker Chick
Summary: What really happened on Sheena Island? Was Umbrella making Tyrants, or something far more sinister? Join Wesker, McDonalds, Spastic, and several new friends in this the sequal to Resident Evil 365!
1. The Heros are Back

DISCALIMER: Do not own RE or McDonalds. (Which is the same throughout the fic so I'm only doing a disclaimer if I happen to mention something else…so there!) Nor do I own Corona, Star Wars, Pokemon, or "Dare To Be Stupid".

**

* * *

After The Training Facility... **

After The Spencer Mansion...

After 'Coon City...

After…err…_before_ Rockfort Island...

**Waaaay before the cruise ship...**

**There was a horror so sinister that it can only be told here. A thing of such evilness that it caused even Albert Wesker nighmares. I'm talking about the incident of...**

**SHERRY ISALND (aka Sheena Island)**

**That is where our story begins...****

* * *

**

_**Sometime after 'Coon City...**_

"I hate my job…I hate my pay…I hate my bloody boss!!!" Screamed the third employee that had been hired this month.

McDonalds didn't know what had happened to the other ones. They just got pissed, left, and were never seen again!

(Please insert creepy music here.)

_But he knew he would never quit or get fired. Working here, was in his blood. He was the master of flipping burgers, the nimble fingered cashier, why he was…_

Halfway through McDonalds daydream of greatness, the boss walked in.

"Hey kid…your fired!" Said the boss, the evil bastard.

"Stupid job, I never even made middle wage yet on this shit hole island!" He yelled as he left.

He had only been walking for a few minutes when he bumped into an old friend, literally.

"You!" Wesker seemed surprised that McDonalds was still alive. "You're still alive?"

A quite understandable question, especially after everything McDonalds had been through. He wasn't entirely sure what had happened after the 'Coon city incident. Probably the result of all the injections and beatings by the Umbrella guys. Then there was that really horrible thing that had happened with that Hunter…and the time…

Yes friends and neighbors…McDonalds ADD has kicked in again.

"I'm here to pick up Spastic, he is learning a lot from school you know." Wesker waved a hand in front of McDonalds face, trying to get his attention.

"You!" McDonalds screamed, going a pasty shade of white.

McDonalds had finally snapped out of his memories long enough to realize that he was staring at Albert Wesker. After taking a few seconds for this realization to sink in…McDonalds decked him.

Apparently he wasn't too thrilled to see Wesker again. Might have had something to do with dropping him off at that Umbrella installation by accident, either that or it was because Wesker hadn't had any beer left at the apartment.

"You promised me beer!"

Guess that answers that question.

"Ya well, blame Redfield it was his turn to buy." Wesker shrugged, looking around the darkly lite island.

Gotta love Umbrella owned islands, they are so dark and creepy. Spastic came running out of the school a few seconds later, a Pokemon book bag dangling from one hand. He grinned up at Wesker like a lost puppy, to which Wesker responded by ignoring him. It was then that McDonalds noticed that all of the kids, except Spastic, that were piling out of the school were identical. They were all blonde and extremely annoying.

"I didn't know you had kids." Said Wesker, glancing at McDonalds.

"Those are not mine!" Snapped McDonalds.

"Alright, geez, get a grip."

"What are you doing here anyway?" McDonalds asked.

"Trying to steal some research, killing/maiming innocent people, making life a living hell for anyone employeed by Umbrella. The usual."

Wesker then turned his attention to the young children as they walked out of the school. Blonde, annoying, and wearing horrid little sailor suits…something inside his evil brain was beginning to click, he just couldn't put his finger on it.

"You know, those kids look awfully familiar."

"So they're _your _kids. Trying to pawn them off on me, I see how you are." McDonalds then proceeded to count the kids as the scampered out of the school. "Damn...you've been busy. What are you, some kind of bio-enhanced playa?"

Wesker glared, then took a moment for serious thought. He was pretty sure he didn't have any little rug rats running around. And if he did, they would be properly evil…not helpless and annoying.

"Do you have the pink hat with the feather as well?"

"No! Stop implying that I'm a pimp!" Wesker yelled.

McDonalds snickered, it was such great fun to annoy Wesker. He just loved watching Wesker's face turn all red, although he was a bit worried about the poor guys blood pressure. McDonalds figured that killing/maiming people had to be pretty stressful, and Wesker did tend to be a bit high strung most of the time.

In between his musings about Wesker's physical and mental health, he noticed that all the identical kids were getting on a bus that had the following written on its side in big block letters:

SECRET UMBRELLA BASE THAT PRODUCES WEAPONS OF SHERRY DESTRUCTION

"What are _Weapons of Sherry Destruction_?" Of course McDonalds turned to the resident treacherous bastard for his answer.

"It's a long story." Said Wesker. "I tell you what, lets have a campfire tonight then I'll tell the story with the help of my banjo."

"A STORY! YAY!" Yelled Spastic happily.

"I'll bring beer if you bring pretzels." Wesker then produced two six packs of Corona.

"No prob." McDonalds yelled happily.

And so our three reunited…err…_friends_ set off in search of the perfect location for their beer/banjo party. However, unknown to our intrepid band of survivors, trouble was afoot. High above a large black, and somewhat ominous, helicopter was circling the island. Emblazoned across the side of it, in large white letters, were the words:

Umbrella Inc.

And right underneath that, in little tiny letters that you would need a magnifying glass to read, were the words:

Causing plagues, destruction, and total chaos to thousands since 1968.

Inside the chopper a loan individual prepares for his mission. What is the nature of his mission, you may be asking yourself? Well…it's ahh….that is…it's top secret. Yup it's on a need to know basis, and _you _don't need to know.

Anyway, the lone individual straps on his parachute and jumps out of the chopper. After a few hundred feet, he pulled the shoot and landed on the ground.

"Oh man…I think I'm gonna be sick…"

He then stared blankly into space, and drooled for no apparent reason. Meanwhile, at the campfire, McDonalds had spotted the parachute flapping around.

"Who dares to interrupt my story?!" Wesker looked ready to kill someone, of course that _was_ his usual facial expression.

"Go and look, dumb ass!" Squeaked Spastic.

This comment elicited a rather confused look from Wesker. Spastic, on the other hand, looked particularly proud of himself. Noticing that no one appeared to being moving, McDonalds went to investigate the mysterious parachute himself. But nothing, not even all he had witnessed in 'Coon City, had prepared him for the site he was presented with. A giant hunk of bean curd was standing in the clearing, wearing a parachute, and holding a rocket launcher.

"WHO ARE YOU!?" Shouted the giant bean curd, waving the rocket launcher around wildly.

"Call me McDonalds. Gee, that's a mighty fine piece you got there." McDonalds then produced a shotgun, trust me you don't want to know where he was hiding it, and pointed it at the bean curd.

Meanwhile, Wesker had finally decided to investigate the parachute, dragging Spastic with him. After taking a few seconds to asses the situation, Wesker promptly snatched the rocket launcher out of the Bean Curd's hands, bent it in half, and threw it away.

"I don't believe in gun violence."

"Wait a minute…didn't you shoot Rebecca back at the mansion?" It was the first intelligent thing Spastic had ever said.

"I knew she was wearing a bullet proof vest." Wesker said smugly, although he did look a tad bit nervous.

"No you didn't." Spastic shot back.

Wesker glanced around nervously, then promptly smacked Spastic with a rolled up newspaper. McDonalds sighed, his head was full of flashbacks from 'Coon City. The Bean Curd, on the other hand, looked pretty pissed.

"Fine then! You have destroyed my rocket launcher, you leave me no choice but to pull out my…"

Deep breath…

"HEAVY SUPER DUPER 1337 KILLER MEGA POWERFUL ULTRA OMEGA OVERLOAD KILLING DEATH MACHINE OF ULTIMATE DOOM!"

Second deep breath…

"Behold, death in it's truest form!!!!"

He quickly followed up his huge ass speech with a sinister laugh, which appeared to impress Wesker slightly. Tofu then reached into his pocket, although why (or for that matter how) a hunk of Bean Curd had a pocket is anyone's guess, and produced…a combat knife. This did not impress Wesker at all, hell it didn't even seem to impress McDonalds very much…Spastic was still unconscious , but I doubt he would have been impressed either.

"That's it?" Asked Wesker, still not looking inmpressed. "I mean damn, I can bench press a Buick for heaven's sake. You think a giant hunk of bean curd waving around a combat knife is gonna scare me? Get a life bean head."

"Dare you defy Tofu? I AM THE MASTER OF KNIFES DAMN IT! I am 13373R than the 13373s7 person who was ever 1337!"

"Dare to be stupid," McDonalds said, as he knocked out the Tofu with a lead pipe.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YOU GOT KNOCKED THE FUDGE DITTALY OUT" Spastic screamed taking a bite out of Tofu.

"I don't think the schooling is working." McDonalds eyed Spastic. "He's still about as sharp as a marble."

"I will have to agree." Wesker sighed heavily. "Maybe I need to send him to military school or something."

"I have glow in the dark light sabers! Who wants to play STAR WARS?" Spastic yelled, producing several very cool looking plastic light sabers.

And so, for no good reason at all except for the fact the authoress thought is was funny, our three heroes sat in the middle of the clearing playing Star Wars. Of course Star Wars was one of Wesker's favorite movie series, except for Episode I. He really hated the part where Darth Maul died.

"I still do not comprehend why it is that Darth Maul has to expire in such a way at the conclusion of that picture."

This statement elicited blank stares from both McDonalds and Spastic. Wesker thought for a minute, then snapped his fingers.

"Opps, my bad."

He then slapped himself in the face, which caused him to do a backwards somersault, which resulted in him landing on the ground on his back in extreme amounts of pain.

"Sorry, I slipped into scientist mode again." Wesker moaned trying to stand up.

"WOW!! That was cool!!" Spastic yelled jumping up and down. "Do it again!"

Wesker was so close to beating him that it wasn't even funny. Of course, to be able to do that he first had to somehow manage to get up. Not an easy feat, I assure you. Poor guy probably caused himself massive internal injuries or something. I mean when you have that kind of power, and you go and hit yourself…

But I digress…

So while Wesker was attempting to get up off the ground, two very important things happened. Tofu woke up and a zombie wandered into camp.

"Oh great...another outbreak. I mean _no one_ saw that coming."

To say Wesker's words were _heavy with sarcasm_ would be an understatement…

* * *

A/N: That's right friends and neighbors…The heroes are back!! 


	2. AHHH There's a Sherry!

DISCLAIMER: Don't own Superman, X-Files, Capcom, and Goobers.

A/N: I'd just like to say that I forgot to mention that this particular story was also co-written with Scythe. Thank you.

* * *

"A zombie, eh?" McDonalds had suddenly remembered, either by some miracle or simply bad plot design, just how easy zombies were to kill. "You think you're tough shit, eh?"

McDonalds brandished his lead pipe, as the zombie put it's hands up in that classic zombie pose and moved towards him. While this little display was going on, Wesker was still trying to get up, Spastic was sitting on the ground looking foolish, and Tofu was moaning softly to himself.

McDonalds then proceeded to beat the zombie with extreme force. Limbs flew everywhere, in fact the zombie's hand hit the ground right at McDonalds feet and flipped him off.

"Owned bitch!" McDonalds yelled as, he stomped on the dismembered hand.

CRAAAACK!

Wesker popped his back into place while watching McDonalds do his little victory dance all over parts of the now severely dead zombie. The victory was short lived as an entire heard of pissed of zombies emerged from the trees.

"Well then, I suppose we will have to run for our lives again." Wesker sighed, cleaning his glasses. "Why do things like this always happen when I need to steal something? Must be a conspiracy."

"The truth is out there..." mumbled Spastic.

Wesker groaned as he was assaulted by X-File theme music. This was the second time that had happened. It appeared that his love of science fiction was becoming rather bothersome lately.

"Alrighty then, time to run like hell back into town."

"Why?" McDonalds asked, poking at his kill.

"Cause it says we have to." Wesker held up a _Resident Evil: Survivor _strategy guide. "See we have all kinds of things we have to do."

"Where did you get that?"

"Capcom offices. You wouldn't believe the stuff they leave lying around."

At about this time, a body fell out of the sky, landing God knew where.

"Whoa!" Spastic shouted.

Two second later a chopper crashed, and out stumbled some guy in a green coat.

"Who am I?"

"You are you! We must go, now!!" McDonalds had finally spotted the approaching zombies.

By this time, Tofu managed to fully awaken and stand up. Although I'm not exactly sure how a giant hunk of bean curd stands up when it doesn't have any legs. One of those mysteries of life I guess.

"Damn it all to hell, who took a chunk out of me?!" Tofu pulled yet another combat knife and glared at everyone, his eyes finally settling on McDonalds. "YOU ARE MINE, FOOL!"

"Oh yeah, bitch?!" McDonalds got his pipe ready.

The zombies moved closer. Several of them started pulling money out of there pockets. Not wanting to waste a great opportunity, Wesker started making wagers of his own and giving odds on the up and coming fight. Spastic did his usual watch and drool routine.

"Come on!!" Tofu yelled.

McDonalds clubbed the knife out of Tofu's hand. It flew through the air and hit some poor zombie in the head, killing it. Wesker quickly picked up the zombie's dropped money and pocketed it. Tofu then grabbed McDonalds pipe and threw it away, killing yet another zombie. Wesker wasted no time in collecting that late zombies money as well. Tofu then grabbed McDonalds by the neck, and proceeded to strangle him, while McDonalds punched Tofu in the ribs. Wesker stood on the sidelines wishing they'd kill a few more spectators, while Spastic continued to drool.

"TOFU! TOFU! TOFU!" Cheered the zombies.

Somehow they both wound up rolling around on the ground. Then McDonalds managed to gain the upper hand as he forced Tofu into the bonfire. This would of course be the bonfire where our three friends had been having their beer/banjo party, before everything went to hell..

"MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS!" Cheered the zombies.

Then, from out of nowhere, came a high pitched scream. Wesker froze like a deer in headlights, then slowly started to slink off.

"That's my amulet!" Sherry Clone #1 screeched.

"Wait, Claire!" Sherry Clone #24 bellowed.

Wesker now proceeded to slink off a bit faster. Tofu and McDonalds were oblivious to the threat drawing ever closer, and Spastic…well he just kept on a drooling and looking his normal brainless self. The guy with no memory, who the readers obviously know is Ark, is just sorta standing there looking confused. It should be known that this is his normal look throughout the entire fic.

"My dad's a scientist!"

"Watch out!"

"There's a big monster!"

"Claire!"

"Icky!"

The woods were becoming saturated with high pitched annoying children. Even the zombies started looking around nervously. McDonalds and Tofu finally realized what was going on…of course by now it was too late…

"So…annoying!" McDonalds moaned passing out.

Tofu somehow managed to stagger to his feet, but was too weak to run. He too fell unconscious to the ground. Wesker continued to back slowly away as the Sherry clones began to invade the clearing…

Alright, alright, so maybe he wasn't that calm about. Maybe he proceeded to run away like a scared 10 year old girl, while crying mommy in a somewhat high pitched voice. I mean, he's a treacherous bastard not superman…

However, his panicked run was short-lived as he was jumped by several Sherrys.

"OH GOD NO!!" He screamed as they drug him to the ground.

"DADDY" Several of them screeched, much to Wesker's horror and dismay.

"NO ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!" He tried desperately to shove several of them away but they wouldn't budge. "I AM NOT YOUR FATHER!! WILLIAM BIRKIN IS YOUR FATHER!!"

"Daddy!" they screamed in unison. "We have a new cooler mutant Daddy now!!"

Wesker broke into tears...mumbling something about being in the seventh level of hell...

Meanwhile…

McDonalds finally came back to consciousness, and immediately noticed Wesker and his people pile of Sherry clones. In that one second of staring blankly, something miracles happened…he got an idea.

Write this down folks, it probably won't happen again for a while.

He grabbed one of the Sherry's amulets and threatened to throw it over the, conveniently placed, cliff if they don't let go of Wesker. The Sherry's turned, slowly moved toward him, then suddenly pounced. What happened next was pure reflex...he let go of the amulet…it fell over over the cliff…

"AHHH!!!!" Yelled each Sherry, as they jumped over the cliff to get the amulet.

"Thank god! But there must be more of them!" Wesker was red faced and shaking slightly.

"SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL! SHERRYS!" Tofu screamed, pointing behind McDonalds and Wesker.

Wesker craned his neck around, spotted the Sherrys, and broke down into tears. Spastic had, at this point, finally realized that they were under attack and proceeded to scream. Ark in the meantime was still looking confused, but now he was rubbing at his head. It was at this time, for some unknown yet extremely funny reason, Tofu decided that it he should to run around in circles screaming _Oh my god_, instead of doing something constructive to fight off the hoard of Sherrys.

"Oh my god! Oh my god! AHHHH!"

So now we have a piece of Tofu screaming like a girl, we have Wesker screaming like a little girl, and Spastic is…well…screaming like a little girl. The only two people not screaming is McDonalds and Ark. Ark would probably be screaming, if he wasn't so preoccupied with trying to figure out who he was.

"I must save these people!" McDonalds yelled heroically.

He then picked up Wesker and flung him over his left shoulder. He grabbed Tofu and flung him over his right shoulder. He snatched Spastic's leash off the ground and ran as fast as he could, with Ark trailing behind like a lost puppy. Unfortunately…the Sherrys were catching up.

"AHHH!! AHHH!!!" Screamed Wesker.

"Calm down you blonde bimbo!!! You seem to know something about them, what is it!?" McDonalds asked still trying to outrun the Sherrys.

"Those are clones of my best friend's kid!" Yelled Wesker. "I thought this would happen, so I brought something to stop them." He pointed to his pocket.

"Gee, I thought you were just happy to see me!" Said Tofu.

McDonalds grabbed the box out of Wesker's pocket and read the instructions:

Dr. Birkin blow up doll, pull the pin for immediate inflation

He took it out of the package and pulled the pin. He then dropped everybody and ran with the doll to distract the Sherrys. It worked.

"Hmm. It worked. So, who wants to go to McDonalds and get a Big Mac or something? Or we could go for the new garden fresh salads....nah. I'd rather have a heart attack and eat a Big Mac" Tofu glanced at Wesker.

Wesker picked himself up off the ground, extremely glad that the Sherrys were now chasing McDonalds and not him.

"I haven't went to McDonalds since Raccoon." he mumbled wiping a speck of dust from his combat uniform.

"Oh." tofu said a bit sadly.

All of a sudden the forest was a screeching haven of Sherrys once more. Why?

Because that stupid idiot had doubled back, and he was still carrying the damn doll!!

"Throw the doll you MORON!" Wesker nimbly dodged two Sherrys. "Now would be a good time!!"

"Oh yea!"

McDonalds threw the doll over the cliff, and the Sherrys quickly followed screaming _Daddy!_ and _Wait for me!_

With the disaster averted for the moment, Wesker snatched up his strategy guide and lead everyone back to town...

Five Minutes Later

"Alright, according to the book..."

"Excuse me, do you know who I am?" Ark asked, poking Wesker in the arm.

"Well you are..."

At that precious moment, a young Asian man in a sharply dressed suit, popped out of nowhere and slapped Wesker up side the head.

"Hey, you want to ruin the game!" He snapped.

Wesker rubbed at his head, glaring. Everyone else stood there, shocked that anyone would dare strike the infamous Albert Wesker. Secretly they were all laughing their asses off and rooting for the little Asian guy to kick Wesker's ass.

"How dare you!"

"Oh shut up, you blonde bimbo." He flipped open a wallet, displaying a Capcom identification card. "I'm with the Capcom Plot Police. We cannot allow you to simply give away the plot of the game, no matter who you are."

"HEY YOU, Capcom guy!"

While Wesker made plans to severely torture and maim the cop, Tofu ran up to him and place a knife to his throat.

"You are going to get me the copy of Resident Evil 1.5 at Capcom HQ!"

"What…are you talking...about…"

"You son of a bitch! I KNOW it's there!"

"Alright! Alright! Please don't hurt me!"

"HAHAHA! IT WILL BE MINE! BAHAHAHA!"

Throughout this entire ordeal, McDonalds looked about as clueless as Ark did. Spastic wasn't doing a whole lot of anything, and Wesker…well he was still having murderous fantasies involving the Capcom Cop.

"Here it is you hunk of hippy!" The cop threw Tofu a game box, then made a run for it.

"Hey! What the hell is this!?!" Yelled Tofu, holding up a box that said _Resident Evil: Gaiden_.

"AHHH! THROW IT AWAY!!" Wesker screamed, turning several shades paler than normal.

Tofu quickly rid himself of the game, tossing it over his shoulder.

"Hey! I'm..."

****

BONK

"Oww..." Ark rubbed at his head, then looked around blankly. "Who am I?"

****

Fizzle...Pop

Everyone looked down at the now ruined game, which had exploded in a rather unimpressive display only seconds ago.

"Alrighty then, I suppose we have to get through town, head to the Sherry Factory, where we can then ride a little train to another building, where we can find a helicopter and get the hell off this island." Wesker said, reaching for his strategy guide. "Also we'll have to meet two annoying little children, face certain death at every turn, not to..."

Wesker came to an abrupt halt, right in mid ramble. It appeared as though his strategy guide had been pilfered by the Capcom Cop.

"You were saying oh fearless leader?" McDonalds asked with a smirk.

"That way!" Wesker growled, secretly knowing he had no earthly clue where the hell he was leading them.

And so they went back to the beginning, passing the body of the guy who'd fallen off the chopper earlier.

"OOOHHH!! Looky what I found!" Spastic said, holding up a watch, wallet, and a pair of dog tags.

"Ohhhh, dog tags!" McDonalds then snatched them from Spastic and put them on.

"We really should be going!" Insisted Wesker.

"Yes, before a vegetarian zombie finds us!" Said Tofu.

"Fine!" McDonalds snapped.

Wesker glanced around, rather nervously, and finally pointed to the first door he saw…

"To the movie theater!!"

2 Hours Later....

"That was a horrible movie!" Tofu groaned

"Yeah, it was retarded." McDonalds snorted, rolling his eyes.

"Almost as retarded as me!" Spastic squeaked.

"Must block memory." Ark was repeatedly beating himself in the head with a box of Goobers.

"That's not how it happens at all!" Wesker was becoming extremely irate. "Who the hell would call _that _Resident Evil…it's like some badly written fan fic!"

Everybody looks at the screen, and the poor authoress slaving away at her computer…

"Oh…ahem…uh…to the city!!"

And our intrepid heroes hurried off, lest the authoress decide to torture them further. Of course what our heroes were unaware of, is the fact that their ordeal was far from over…

* * *

A/N: For fans of the movie, let me just say this…I really did like the movie, but like everything else RE in this fic I had to bash it. 


	3. Phone Home

_**A/N:** Yes indeed, I've finally updated this one! Oh yea...go me! Don't worry, expect this to be updated regularly until it's finished._

* * *

Wesker shook his head as they walked into a dimly lit and somewhat creepy street. He was still seething over the movie. His biggest pet peeve was the fact that he wasn't even mentioned, not once. He knew if it hadn't been for him being a treacherous bastard why the mansion incident never would have happened, or the whole Raccoon City thing either.

As the rag tag team of survivors surveyed the area, Wesker took a deep breath calming himself so he wouldn't inadvertently kill someone. Not that he really liked the idiots he currently found himself traveling with, well maybe Spastic, but he might need them for zombie bait later on in the adventure.

_**Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...**_

Suddenly a large shoe came flying out of an apartment window hitting Spastic square in the face. Spastic let out a squeak of surprise and fell over on his back, unconscious. Wesker pinched the bridge of his nose, as an unknown voice screeched at the assembled survivors.

"SOMEONE ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE!"

Ark wandered over to the conveniently place pay phone and picked up the receiver.

"Hello...what! What did you say? Hey wait!"

Ark then turned toward the group, placing his hand over the mouth piece.

"Uh, one of you Albie?"

Wesker turned a bright shade of scarlet as everyone else snickered at his nickname. He quickly shoved Ark aside and grabbed the phone.

"Hello?"

"_Albert Wesker! Where the hell are you?"_

"Mom?"

"_You're out stealing virus data again, aren't you! To think after all the money your father and I spent on sending you to medical school and you turn into a hoodlum!"_

"But Mom..."

"_I suppose you're not going to be here for Christmas again are you!"_

"Well, I..."

"_Typical, after the hell I went through raising you! You'd turn you back on your own…"_

"Oh wow, I…uh...a zombie is chewing on my leg, gotta go!"

Wesker slammed the phone down, cutting his mother off in mid rant and completely breaking the phone in the process. Plastering a smile on his face he turned back to the rest of the group.

"Alright, we'd better..."

The group looked at one another and then broke into wild laughter, while Wesker stood by the busted phone turning all different shades of red and scarlet. While Wesker was trying to figure out how to kill the idiots with as much pain involved as possible, a dude in a trench coat walked up to them. The laughter quickly died off, except for Spastic who was still giggling like a school girl. While Wesker started to sidle off in another direction, McDonald's reached out and smacked him. The little moron sniffled a bit and finally shut up. McDonalds rolled his eyes then turned to look at the dude in the trench coat. Turns out the dude in the trench coat was a tyrant. Wesker was now hiding behind Tofu, I guess his fear of tyrants had not yet abated.

"Uh...who are…you?" McDonalds stammered, trembling with fear.

"Why I'm..." He said in a scary voice. "...the host of "Choose That Route"!"

Flashing lights suddenly assaulted the little group and music started playing. Wesker let out a squeak of surprise and huddled closer to Tofu, while Spastic pointed at the lights and drooled. Mr. X turned to the Arcade.

"Route 1 is the Arcade. If you choose this route, you will be regularly attacked by a group of men called Cleaners!"

A group of guys dressed in black clothing waved at the survivors from the arcade. Tofu and McDonalds glanced at each other and groaned. Mr. X then turned to face the Hospital.

"The second route is the Hospital. Here, you will meet a psychotic man named Vincent!"

Vincent bows, from the doorway. Wesker peeks out from behind Tofu, squinting at their possible adversary.

"Well, that's not so bad..."

"The final route is the Library! This route will have a pudgy man chase you around. He lives in the sewers."

A pudgy man grunted from the steps as he bit into a doughnut. The survivors looked at each other, blinking rapidly and wondering just how a pudgy man with a mop could have become a boss character?

"You have twenty seconds!" Mr. X shouted as the Jeopardy theme song started to play. "Make your choice!"

Wesker came out of hiding and the group huddled.

"We can outrun the fat guy." Wesker glanced at the pudgy janitor. "I mean even you un-enhanced idiots can outrun that!"

"I agree." McDonalds mumbled. "Besides I hate hospitals."

"What if he eats me?" Tofu glanced at the pudgy janitor warily. "He looks like he would eat anything!"

"That's a chance we'll have to take!" Wesker muttered, grinning evilly.

They un-huddled.

"So, have you chosen a route?" Mr. X smiled warmly.

"Yup, Route 3!" McDonalds proclaimed loudly.

"Good choice! Ladies, show them what they've won!"

Three scantily clad and very sexy ladies came out and dragged the survivors into the Library, then bolted the door shut. The survivors glanced around at the dingy condition of the library while Tofu pouted and Spastic drooled.

"Damn it! I wanted to go to the arcade! At least then I could play Gun Survivor 2: Code: Veronica. I'd kick your asses at that arcade game. Uh...is that the fat guy?"

A fat, ugly little man walked over to them, holding a mop, a flashlight, and a doughnut shoved in his face.

"Mmmpp…Mmmppp…Mpppp."

"Uh, can't hear you, you have a doughnut in your face."

"MMMP! MMMP! MMMP!"

"Right…"

The man spits out the doughnut, looking irritated. McDonalds is ignoring him, opting to hunt for girlie books. Wesker is cleaning his sunglasses while Spastic begs him for a treat. Ark is staring off into space, looking comatose. Tofu looks to be the only one paying any attention to the now pissed off janitor.

"I AM ANDREW THE SEWER WOR…"

Tofu smile, then smashed him in the head with a trash can. Andrew hit the floor with a loud thud, unconscious. Tofu nodded with satisfaction and motioned at the rest of the group, who were still not paying any attention to what was going on.

"Alrighty, let's go!"


	4. Burglars and Nervous Breakdowns

While Tofu was in the Library trying to get the everyone motivated, and failing miserably at it, a shadow flits through the streets. The sound of running footsteps, along with the sounds of cheesy little girl voices calling _Daddy! Daddy, _gets louder and louder and closer and closer to the Library.

A man wearing a derby hat, a blue shirt, a gray tie, a brown trench coat, matching slacks, and black and white shoes comes running out of the shadows, a Beretta in his hand. Behind him are countless Sherrys. The man is Larcen Tyler, former cat burglar now sent to investigate the mysterious Sherry Island!

"I'm not your damn daddy!" He screeches, taking off running again. "Now buzz off!"

The countless little Sherry clones continue advancing, still claiming he's Daddy. In frustration, he opens fire while running towards the library. He attempts to open the door but it's locked.

"Damn it!"

In frustration, he jumps through the nearest window, landing inside a room adjacent to the room where the other survivors are. McDonalds, Spastic, Ark, and Tofu all look to the room where Larcen has landed, eyeing is suspiciously. Wesker appears not to care and is still cleaning his glasses in a slow methodical fashion.

"Oh...ouch!" There is a small crash, then Larcen bursts through the door into the room with everyone else. "Oh…hi! Larcen Tyler, former cat burglar."

Larcen smiles, then flips open his wallet and shows the survivors his license to steal. Wesker finally shoves his sunglasses back over his eyes, in very dramatic fashion, and turns his attention to Larcen.

"And what the hell are you creeping around an island like this for?" Wesker frowns. "You'd better not be here to steal any viruses."

"Oh no, no." Larcen holds up his hands, trying to pacify the angered Wesker. "Let's just say the government looks better on you if you help them to rid the world of thousands of annoying little girls instead of stealing priceless works of art."

"And what kind of motive is that supposed to be?"

"Can I help it if the person writing this had a bad case of writer's block? Or that she wasn't being paid enough to write it?"

WC's voice then comes from out of nowhere. "I'm not being paid a cent!"

There is an uncomfortable few minutes of silence as WC's booming voice echoes in the room. Thanks to special effects, it echoes far longer than it should and much more dramatically then one might expect.

"Anyway, basically, I heard about Sherry Island and I wanted to help you guys out."

"You just showed up now?" Tofu rolled his eyes. "What the hell took you so long?"

"Never mind that, we're on a mission, right? So, let's get to it!"

Everyone stares as Larcen strikes a very heroic very Chris Redfield looking pose. This seems to piss Wesker off somewhat. Just as our Treacherous Bastard prepares to beat the hell out of Larcen, the sound of Sherry clones draws closer.

"Oh shit! They're in here!"

No sooner had Larcen finished speaking than the doors swung open and a group of Sherrys came running in. Using his bio-enhanced powers, Wesker ducked behind Tofu before the Sherry clones spotted him. With no Wesker in sight they turned their attention to Larcen.

"Listen, you little punks, I'm not your daddy! How many times do I…"

Suddenly, the Sherrys froze. A strange look came over them. For a moment, time seemed to stand still. Everyone glanced first to the clones, then to Larcen, and back again. Wesker finally crept out of his hiding place.

"Hey, you stopped them!" Wesker smirked. "Maybe you are good for something."

As soon as that was spoken though, a new look came over the Sherrys faces. It was a look unlike the ones they had previously seen. Then the clones began to mutter things like _'You're cute!' _and _'What a hunk!' _With that said, they began to race towards Larcen.

"Oh great, what did I do now!" Larcen moaned. "This job sucks!"

Then something even stranger happened. Half the Sherrys sped toward Larcen, like a pack of Rabid Fan Girls, and the other half ran toward Wesker screaming _Daddy!_. Wesker yelped and ducked back behind Tofu trembling with fear. Which is kind of scary in and of itself when you think about it long enough.

"May I suggest we get the hell out of here!"

While Wesker was screaming and trembling with fear, Larcen struggled to get the Sherry clones off of him. Suddenly one of them got at his belt, causing his trousers to drop revealing white boxer trunks with the _Pole Position_ logo dotted all over. Grinning and blushing, Larcen shook the clones off and pulled his pants up, attempting to rebuckle his belt.

"Let's go this way!"

Larcen takes off running, still trying to buckle his belt. Everyone else follows closely behind him, with Wesker still crying and screaming. As they reach a dead end, Larcen heads through a random door, which leads into some kind of break room. Tofu quickly locks the door and blocks it with a couch while Wesker trembles behind McDonalds and Spastic begs Larcen for a treat. Larcen ignores the little moron. Ark is once again looking comatose.

"It looks like we might be safe for now, knock on wood."

Larcen proceeds to check out a nearby refrigerator. Inside he finds all kinds of goodies, including a stock of beer. He grabs a can and takes a drink, seeming satisfied, until his eyes fall on something in the refrigerator. Spitting out his mouthful of beer, he slowly backs away from the refrigerator while the others stare on in horror.

"EEWW! HE SPIT ON ME! HE AIN'T HOT AFTER ALL! COME ON, GET HIM!"

As a Sherry clone crawls out of the refrigerator, several dozen more pour through the ventilation shaft into the room. They then stalk toward Larcen, a murderous glare in their eyes. Wesker screams like a little girl and runs through a nearby door. The remaining survivors glance at each other then take off after him, with the clones only a step or two behind.

"Duh du duh duh, duh duh da da da," McDonalds hummed, catching up with Wesker.

"Where did I hear that before?" Wesker mumbled, still running.

McDonalds turned around and put on his hat.

"Indiana Jones!" Yelled a Sherry clone.

"I hate Sherrys," McDonalds mumbled, as he got out his whip and whipped it at a pipe on the ceiling. "C'mon!"

Everyone glanced first at the oncoming Sherry clones, then to McDonalds, and finally grabbed a hold of him. McDonalds did a dramatic jump and the entire group swung through the window, landing on the roof of the building next door. The group watched, with some sadistic satisfaction, as the Sherrys climbed out of the window and fell to their deaths…again…Sherry clones aren't very bright it seems.

However their joy was shot lived. McDonalds was the first one to notice they were standing on some kind of ramp and before he could stop him…Tofu stood up and took a step forward…

_**CLICK **_

"RUN!"

McDonalds took off like a zombie bunny on crack as a large boulder rumbled down the ramp. Just before he could get squished, he jumped to safety just at the right moment. The boulder rolled off the ramp and landed in the street below with a heavy crash.

"Whoa guys, that was close! Guys?"

McDonalds looked around but didn't see anybody. Looking slightly bewildered, he walked back to where they had initially landed and found the rest of the group squashed like pancakes on the ramp. He pulled each one up one by one, gave them a little shake, and they puffed to normal like magic.

"SHIT!" Wesker growled, those familiar yellow eyes showing. "Those were brand new BLEEPING glasses!"

Everyone slowly backs away as Wesker begins pacing the roof, mumbling, and looking quite insane.

"First...I run into McDonalds again...Second...My banjo story gets interrupted by a walking talking block of Tofu with a combat knife...Three...I get attacked by a bunch of rabid Sherry clones who insist on calling me Daddy…Fourth...I had to talk to my Mom...Fifth...I run into some insane cat burglar, dragging Sherrys around with him…Sixth...I get attacked by Sherry clones...again…Seventh...I get run over by a boulder in the middle of a damn town on top of a freaking building…And now to top it all off my favorite sunglasses get shattered all to hell!"

Wesker comes to a stop, still looking insane. He then starts shaking clenching and unclenching his fists. Finally he throws his hands in the air and starts bellowing in that loud deep voice.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Whoa...man's got a good set of lungs on him, I'll give him that." Larcen whispered to McDonalds.

"Oh man, I think he's about to have a mid life crisis or something...anyone got a Valium or maybe some Prozac or something?" McDonalds asked.

Wesker then proceeded to stomp around, pulling at his hair and mumbling.

"No, couldn't go to work in a nice lab and design roach motels or something could I? Oh noooo...I had to work for Umbrella and become a treacherous bastard."

"Um...excuse me, but do you think I could like try and kill you now?"

Wesker spun around and saw a rather large, and somewhat sophisticated looking, tyrant staring at him. Whatever fear Wesker may have had for tyrants appears to have disappeared. He stomped over, his hands balling into fists.

"Look you walking one man demolition crew I am in no mood to deal with you right now! I am not having a good day!"

"Dude, take a pill. I'm just doing what my contract says." The Tyrant then held up a long a somewhat tattered looking legal document. "See, Article 9...Section 6...Paragraph 3...In accordance with Umbrella Law and the Capcom Plot Hole Police the signer of this document is entitled to kill and or maim any playable character or extra he happens to come across. Failure to do so will result in violation of contract, and subsequent firing. You see my dilemma right?"

Wesker mumbled a few well written obscenities and pulled out his own contract.

"See this...Article 5...Section 9...Paragraph 1...Signer of this document is to have no feelings of remorse, guilt, or apathy. Failure to comply will result in said signer being traded to a rival company. At which time he will be forced to dye his hair pink and star in a cheap knockoff of some badly scripted Pokemon game."

"Oh man, that's harsh." The tyrant looked a bit sick to his stomach.

Wesker folded the contract up and put it back in his pocket. He then proceeded to knock the tyrant off the building with one well placed fist. With that threat averted Wesker returned to his nervous breakdown by sitting on the ground, hair standing straight up in the air, and crying.

"I wanna go home!"

"That guy so needs a vacation or like some happy pills or something." Tofu said.

"I give up cat burglary for this? What was I thinking!"

"Yeah, maybe we should give him something for that. Wait, I know!" McDonalds reached into Spastic's pocket, pulled out some pills, and shoved them down Wesker's throat. "That should do for a little while."

5 minutes later the morphine took effect...

"I'm a bird!" Wesker squeaked, running around with his arms straight out at his sides. "I can fly!"

"Dude, he's lost it." Larcen said, giving him a strange look.

"Is this an improvement?" Tofu asked.

"Uh..."

"I want to pick wildflowers and find my soul mate!" Wesker yelled and then proceeded to prance and flounce.

"Tofu grab the nut and lets find a way off of this island." McDonalds sighed, walking across the roof.

Wesker poked Tofu. "Are you edible?"

"Don't get any ideas." Tofu snapped, grabbing him by the back of the shirt.


	5. Dirty Harry has arrived!

And so the group trudged on with McDonalds leading the way and Tofu bringing up the rear dragging the doped up Wesker.

**Several hours later…and completely lost…**

"That's it." Larcen came to a stop, holding up his hands. "Can we please figure out which way is out!"

"That's a good idea." McDonalds snapped. "I don't suppose you know which way that would be?"

Larcen cocked an eyebrow, glancing around. After several minutes he finally spots an entrance to a subway station with the words _'Outbound'_ on a sign next to the doorway. Striking another heroic pose he pointed to the door.

"That way!"

He led the group, who were shaking their heads at Larcen's heroic outburst, into the station. It seemed quiet enough, save for the train that was idling noisily. Tofu eyed it with suspicion, ignoring Wesker who was nibbling on his head.

"Are you sure this thing can get us out of here?"

"Frankly, any place is better than here, where there are Sherry clones everywhere!"

The assembled survivors glance at each other and finally nod. They run into the nearest car. Just as the last person gets onboard, the doors close and the train pulls out of the station.

"And just where is this thing going?" McDonalds looks at Larcen. "Any idea?"

Larcen now breaks into song. "_There's no earthly way of knowing, which direction we are going…"_

Suddenly a door at the end of the car opened and, much to the shock of Larcen and everyone else…save Wesker who was still nibbling on Tofu, out came yet another Sherry clone dressed in a conductor's outfit.

"Tickets, please!"

Larcen laughed nervously. "Oh, uh, who has the tickets?"

"You mean you didn't buy them in the station?" McDonalds smacks him in the head. "Idiot."

"Tickets, please!"

"Great, so now what do we do?"

Suddenly, a look of pain comes over Larcen's face and he clutches his shoulder. Seconds later he drops the floor, gasping. McDonalds rolls his eyes at the overdramatic acting and kneels down beside Larcen.

"Oh no!" He says rather stiffly. "He's having a heart attack!"

Ark glances at the Sherry clone. "Our friend needs medical assistance, when is the next station?"

"Um, I want to say we'll be there any minute now."

As if by some kind of miracle, or bad plot design, the train came to a stop and the doors opened. Ark and McDonalds grabbed Larcen and carried him out onto the platform. Spastic trailed after them like a lost puppy. Ark came next back to looking comatose. Finally Tofu came out, dragging Wesker.

"Thanks, you're a big help young lady!"

"But, what about my tickets?"

Larcen cracked open a single eye and seeing that the train was pulling away, jumped to his feet smiling broadly.

"OK, so now where the heck are we?"

"Judging from the signs…" McDonalds studied a nearby directional sign for several seconds. "I'd say we're at the main facility of this island."

"The facility has it's own train station?"

"Never mind that, we've got to get in there and take out those blonde freaks once and for all!"

"Right. Anyone got any ideas?"

"I suggest we open that door."

McDonalds walked over to said door and opened it easily. Everyone present was slightly stunned it wasn't locked. They all shrugged and trekked inside. Suddenly a 16-pentagonal Licker jumped right in front of them from a nearby wall.

"AHHHHH!" Yelled Tofu, just before he fainted.

"Holy shit!" Yelled Larcen as he backed away.

Everyone else stood in fear. The Licker hopped around for several seconds then charged over to Wesker and started to lick his face. Ark shook his head and hauled Tofu over his back. The Licker sat on it's butt like a loyal dog panting at Wesker. Wesker patted the licker on the head, a lopsided grin on his face.

"Cute doggy! I will name you Fluffy!

The licker let out a high pitched squeal and bounced up and down. Wesker smiled dreamily as everyone else stared.

"Ok, for future reference, no drugs for him." Ark mumbled. "Not even a throat drop."

"On to the factory!"

Wesker skipped off with his new friend in tow. No one moved. They figured Wesker would be back sooner or later, probably after he tried to open a door or something. In the meantime, McDonalds decided to look around before the final battle. He walked around for a bit, then found an out of place weapon room. He opened the door and found himself in heavy weapons heaven.

He grabbed a bandanna and wrapped it around his head. Then he ripped open his shirt, exposing his hardened 6-pack. He opened a nearby locker and pulled out an PKMB Kalashnikov Modernized Armored Personnel Carrier Machine Gun . He put a few grenades on his belt, then walked back to the others.

"Holy Rambos!" Ark stammered.

"Let's do this!"

The group then took off toward where Wesker had gone and saw Fluffy fighting with a Hunter. Fluffy put the Hunter in a pin and impaled it's head with it's tongue. Wesker was leaning against a nearby wall clutching his stomach with one hand and massaging his temple with the other.

"I think I'm gonna hurl..."

"Finally!" Everyone yelled in unison.

"…ahh…" Wesker squeaked, in a rather dry and high pitched voice. "With the shouting please, no."

"Oooo somebody's got a hangover" Larcen singsonged.

"What the hell did you guys give me?"

"Ummm.."

McDonalds then went into deep thought for approximately 10 minutes…

"Morphine, Vidcaden, maybe some Darvacet...and a Comtrex cold tablet."

Wesker stared, looking paler than usual. I think he's trying to figure out how it is that they hadn't overdosed him with all the drugs.

"Man I could go for some Doritos or something."

Wesker murmured, opening a nearby door. Suddenly a large brutish creature leapt out at them. It sent Wesker flying across the room and over a nearby railing.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!"

There was a loud _thump _as he hit the catwalk several yards below.

"Oh my god!" Larcen yelled in a high pitched voice. "It's uh...uh...TWO GIANT VERSIONS OF LILLY AND ROTT!"

Instead of climbing back up, as originally intended, Wesker merely sat back down and waited. Sherry clones were bad enough, but now there appeared to be two, giant sized, annoying children with bad English accents to contend with. Nope, Wesker was gonna stay right where he was.

"Back away!"

They advanced , so McDonalds cocked his machine gun. The chambered bullet flung out and hit Larcen on the head.

"I'm warning you!"

They moved in closer. He cocked the gun again and the bullet knocked Tofu in the head.

"LAST TIME, SCUMBAGS!"

They went to grab him. He cocked his gun again and heard an _ouch _from below. Everyone glanced over the railing and saw Wesker rubbing his head.

"Oh, whatever!"

McDonalds pulled the trigger and the room lit up in a flash of light. A thundering noise had erupted, like the sound of…uh…thunder.

_tat-tat-tat _

Or for the bullet time version…

_ching-ching-ching_

Almost a minute later all there was, was a clicking sound. Lilly and Rott were about 10 feet backwards from where they had started. Where Larcen, Spastic, Ark, and Tofu were standing was now a large pile of bullet casings. Plus there was a constant _ouch_ sound coming from below. McDonalds walked up to the two giants he had just shot and aimed his gun at them.

"You must be lying there dead thinking _Did he fire 6000 rounds or 7000rounds? _You must be thinking _Do I feel lucky? _Well do you, punks!"

They just laid there with tongues hanging out and blood dripping from thousands of holes. McDonalds smiled, walking over to see just what that annoying _ouch _noise was. He looked over the railing and saw Wesker. McDonalds noticed he was saying ouch, because there were shells falling on his head like drops of water coming out of a tap.

"Wesker, get your hung over ass back up here!"

Wesker pulled himself up, while everyone else tried to extract themselves from the bullet pile and McDonalds struck a heroic pose…


	6. The Capcom Cop is back!

It took several minutes for Ark, Larcen, Tofu, and Spastic to get out of the bullet pile. In the meantime, Wesker had forced McDonalds to put a shirt on. Finally they were ready to move out. As they started to do just that, a nearby door slammed open. It was that Capcom Cop again.

"NO, NO, NO! YOU JUST KILLED THE STARS OF THE GAME!"

"Uh…" McDonalds went cross-eyed. "…game?"

"This is a game, damn it!" .

"Well thanks for the update, Morpheus!" Spastic grinned stupidly.

"ARGH! The last parody involved the Matrix, not this one!" The man was turning red from anger. "And I am not Morpheus, I am Mikami! Notice the suit!"

"I Thought you were the Capcom Cop?"

Mikami slapped Spastic so hard his brains, what little he had anyway, fell to the floor with a loud _plop_. Everyone turned a bit green at this point. McDonalds somehow managed not to toss his cookies while Wesker tried to shove Spastic's brains back into his head.

"Well what next Mikami?"

"This is your damn mess, you figure it out!"

Mikami opened the door to leave when Tofu spoke up.

"Where's my copy of RE1.5?"

Mikami turned around, beet red with anger and his left eye was twitching.

"What did you say?"

"I want my copy of RE1.5."

"Oh really…here's your copy!" Mikami punched Tofu, then pinned him against the wall. "You're lucky you ever existed in RE! You think it was my idea to have a piece of bean curd in a mini-game! It was those asshole employees! They switched me surviving with a knife with you, A PEICE OF BEAN CURD! You're lucky I eat meat…"

He dropped Tofu and left through the door. Everyone was now in shock and surprise. At last Wesker managed to get Spastic's brain back in his head, although I think only about half of it made it. Not that Wesker was very worried about it at this point in time, he had the headache from hell. I mean you get hit in the head by over 6000 shells from a machine gun and see if you don't have a headache.

"Can we just get the hell out of here?"

"No need to get all cranky you know." McDonalds murmured.

"I can't help it without my glasses I get pissy. Plus my hair is all mussed again...SO SHUT-UP!"

Grumbling Wesker slammed through a door, knocking it clear off its hinges. Suddenly, his cell phone rang. He snatched it out of his pocket and clicked the talk button.

"Hello?"

_"Albert, where are you?"_

"Chris?"

_"Who the hell you think it is...you're mother!"_

"After the day I've had…" Wesker rolled his eyes. "What do you want?"

_"Can you pick up some beer on your way home...we're out again."_

"I picked up the last six pack! Have you been partying again!"

"Well...maybe I invited a few friends over...and maybe they got a little rowdy...and maybe we pretty much destroyed the apartment...and...uh...maybe we sorta broke a few pairs of your sunglasses..."

Wesker gripped the phone so tightly that it shattered in his hand. To say he was pissed would be an understatement.

"I need to kill something!" Wesker spun looked around the room wildly. "Que! Que for me to kill something!"

Just then the wall burst open and the Tyrant from earlier in the story appeared.

"Hey, didn't we kill you earlier?" McDonalds was now confused. "You know, when Wesker knocked you off that building."

"Yeah, that's true. But I signed a new contract with Mikami himself and it states that I am supposed to fight you and not get thrown off buildings."

"Ohh...well...Hey Wesker, kill him!"

McDonalds and everyone else slowly backed away as Wesker grinned evilly, while cracking his knuckles, and stalking toward the unsuspecting tyrant.

"Uh...now Mr. Wesker remember you're afraid of Tyrants." The Tyrant squeaked, trying to look tough. "I'm not gonna go easy on you...like GRRRRR..."

"oooo...scary..."

Then Wesker pounced...literally...

_**NOTICE**_

_**Due to the graphic nature of the following scene we are unable to show you the actual...well...scene. I mean we don't wanna get sued or anything...**_

Tyrant: What...what are you gonna do with that cattle prod!

Wesker: (evil laugh)

Tyrant: AHHHHHHH!

Larcen: Oh man I'm gonna be sick...

McDonalds: Oh shit! Man that's...that's just wrong...

Tyrant: NO! ANYTHING BUT JUMPER CABLES!

Wesker: (more evil laughter) Heeeeere little tyrant, tyrant!

Tyrant: (sound of it being electrocuted)

_**We now return you to the show...already in progress...**_

Wesker flipped the comb through his hair, expertly fixing it back in place. This is of course despite the gallons of blood permeating his hairdo, his cloths...well pretty much every inch of his body. Good thing he wore black, outside of his face, arms, and hair you never would have known he was covered in drippy blood. Who knew a tyrant could bleed so much?

"Uh...Wes...maybe you need a shower?" Larcen suggested.

"Why?"

Wesker smiled, wandering over, his shoes making wet squishy sounds. He also appeared to be dripping blood all over the place and leaving bloody footprints. McDonalds glanced at the pile of goo that had formerly been the tyrant, trying not to throw up.

"Anyway, no time for that. Gotta get to the factory." Wesker smiled happily and walked toward a door. "C'mon fluffy!"


	7. Super Secret Weapons!

Wesker skipped merrily along the hallway...still dripping blood. The rest of the trip had been rather uneventful. For some odd reason none of the zombies or other monsters came within ten feet of the survivors. Wesker thought it had something to do with McDonald's cologne. Everyone else **_knew_** it was because Wesker looked like he had just mass murdered a small city.

"Alright, we're in the factory and now we have to make it to the roof so we can find the chopper."

Wesker sounded down right perky.

"Ahh...good." McDonalds forced a smile, swallowing several times.

"What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing...just you know tired and...HOLY HELL WHAT IS THAT?"

Wesker spun around and was confronted by none other than Vincent and about two hundred Sherry clones.

"I'm too old for this shit..."

"I hate my life." Tofu mumbled. "And I still want my copy of RE1.5."

Sighing heavily he reached into his pocket to see what he had, weapon wise.

"A knife...Sweet...WAIT!" He had hit the jackpot. "Wow. This is original. TWO combat knives!"

He held them up in a cool Matrix-like pose. No one was impressed, least of all the Sherrys. Still it was Tofu's moment to shine I guess.

"McDonalds…let's make BBQ sauce out of these Sherrys!"

"I hope it's not Chris's BBQ sauce…"

Slowly everyone turned, including the Sherrys and Vincent, to look at Ark in astonishment and wonder. Then they spotted something far more terrifying than Ark pretending to be Barry, 300 hundred people walking towards them holding a big flag.

"OH MY GOD!" Yelled Tofu. "FANFICTION FAN GIRLS!"

McDonalds yelled in horror and hid behind some well placed crates. Larcen followed.

"What is the problem?"

"They're scary! Hmm...maybe they'll fight the Sherrys for us…"

Wesker leaned against a nearby wall, lighting a cigarette, dripping blood all over the place, and looking uncharacteristically stoic. Well, someone had to look heroic and with this bunch there wasn't a whole lot to chose from. He ran a hand through his hair as the troop of Fan Girls advanced on the Sherrys. Several of the Fan Girls glanced at Wesker and squealed.

"OMG! IT'S WESKER!"

"HE'S SOOOOO CUTE!"

"WE GOTTA GRAB HIM!"

Wesker continued to lean against his wall looking all bad ass and cool. He was not afraid of some mindless fan girls, for he had the most secret and evil weapon Umbrella had ever created. McDonalds, on the other hand, was not as confident.

"Uh…Wesker, you might want to do something!"

"Yea dude, those things are worse than Sherry clones!" Larcen chimed in looking about ready to hurl.

The fan girls approached, just as the remaining Fan Girls (not obsessed with Wesker) and the Sherrys met. Wesker dropped his cigarette on the ground and turned to face the oncoming hoard. Then without warning, he pulled a small black…thingy…from behind his back and pressed the large shiny red button.

A large crate, thanks to another plot hole, dropped from out of nowhere. It crashed into the floor, landing between Wesker and the Wesker Obsessed Fan Girls.

"You are no match for my secret weapon!"

The girls slowed to a stop as the four sides of the crate crashed to the floor to reveal…

"What the hell is that!" Tofu yelled, looking confused and unimpressed. "YOUR SECRET WEAPON IS A COSPLAYER!"

"Not just any cosplayer…I give you the infamous…"

Suddenly the room was filled with creepy music, which spiked up in a rather menacing way. Several of the Sherrys and Fan Girls, already engaged in a horrific battle, stopped planting their hands firmly over their ears.

"AHHHH!" McDonalds shouted. "Make it stop!"

"It's worse than the Sherrys!"

Larcen promptly passed out. Tofu was humming along to the music.

"Ah hell."

Wesker stomped over to a rather inconspicuous looking door. He threw the door open and was confronted by an entire orchestra.

"Guys, it's getting a little loud out here."

There were a few mumbled sorrys and the music resumed a tolerable level. Wesker shut the door and cleared his throat resuming his previous position.

"As I was saying. This is no ordinary cosplayer…it is the infamous…WESKER CHICK!"

As if cued, which she was, the young woman opened her eyes. She stepped out of the box dressed in a black Wesker rip-off combat outfit, sunglasses included. She stared at the fan girls and grinned sadistically.

"How dare you attack my precious Albie!" She growled, adjusting her sunglasses in a very menacing way. "ALBIE IS MINE!"

She dove into the middle of the fan girls, dispatching them quickly in a mixture of Resident Evil, Onimusha, and Devil May Cry.

"There, that takes care of that." She said, wiping her hands on her pants.

"What the hell is that?" McDonalds squeaked.

"That is a Rabid Fan Girl." Wesker adjusted his hair. "Much more menacing than your usual variety."

Everyone glanced around at the carnage and noticed all the Sherrys had been destroyed, along with all of the Fan Girls.

"Now then, shall we proceed. We're not far from the roof."

Wesker marched toward the door, WC following him like a lost puppy. Just behind her was Ark, McDonalds, Spastic, and Tofu, who was dragging Larcen along by the foot.


	8. KaBOOM!

"Am I the only damn person without a plot hole!"

Everyone slowed to a stop. McDonalds was looking rather unhappy at the moment.

"I don't have a plot hole," said Larcen, as he finally woke up.

"Well fine then, I'll just remember to bring one along for the next fic."

Now that McDonalds' outburst was over, they started walking again. WC was now slobbering, literally, all over Wesker's arm. For the life of him, McDonalds didn't understand why he didn't have a McDonalds Chick. As far as he was concerned, he was the most important character in the fic…boy is he having some weird fantasies. Wesker slowed to a top as he spotted two doors.

"Oh, not this again!" Ark groaned.

"The Architect isn't here this time though…" Replied Wesker.

"Isn't Mikami the Architect though?" McDonalds chimed in.

"Maybe…"

"Yes, I am you cretin bastards!" Yelled a familiar voice from off stage.

McDonalds finally worked up enough courage and opened up one of the doors. Everyone peered inside and looked on in stunned silence.

"Water Armory Storage." McDonalds said, reading the sign above the door. "Cool!"

"Now I can have a new water gun!" Tofu piped up, happy as ever.

McDonalds went over to a locker and opened it. Inside he found a M66 Water Rocket Launcher. He quickly loaded it with 4 rockets and was ready to get shit wet.

"Water guns?" Wesker yelled as WC continued to drool on his arm, at least it was cleaning the blood off. "Who the hell uses a damn water gun on a BEEPING zombie!"

"Shut up Albert, or I'll have you married off to Morpheus in Resident Evil 5!" The familiar voice of Mikami yelled from off-stage.

Wesker cringed, shaking slightly. That was a fate worse than death. He glanced down as WC began to nibble on his arm. For a second he realized that perhaps calling on this psycho could be a fate worse than death. It was so hard to decide.

"If you weirdoes are finished can we please go to the roof!"

"I'm ready to kick the shit out of anything!" McDonalds yelled, waving his water rocket launcher around frantically.

"Yea...sure you are."

Wesker shook his head and through the miracle of modern electronics and plot holes the survivors next found themselves on the roof.

"Isn't there supposed to be a boss character?" Larcen asked, looking around.

"I thought Vincent and the 200 hundred Sherry clones was the boss character?" Tofu said

"Who knows?"

Wesker shrugged, which elicited a happy sigh from WC. This girl was seriously freaking him out...why the hell was she holding a bottle of butterscotch syrup? Suddenly a large freaky looking tyrant leapt onto the scene.

"Oh that's original" Wesker mumbled, hoping Mikami didn't hear him. "Well I suppose..."

Then without warning the tyrant was thrown off the roof by Spastic.

"How the hell did he do that?" Tofu looked confused.

"I thought he was a weak moron?" Larcen looked confused.

"I'm confused." McDonalds looked extremely confused.

"That isn't exactly new for you."

Wesker looked evilly confused...if there is such a thing. WC looked love struck and somewhat creepy.

"Uh... Angel time!" Yelled Tofu.

Everyone present understood what he meant instantly. McDonalds knelt to the left, Larcen on the right and Tofu on top in the classic Charlie's Angels pose. Ark just sort of wandered off into the background. Spastic looked at them, then vibrated and shook uncontrollably. He mutated into a big blue dude…much like a cross between a Smurf and those dudes from those commercials..

"You go, girls!" Wesker said in a British accent and then went behind some crates with WC.

"ROAR!"

"MORTAL KOMBAT!" Yelled Mikami off stage.

Then that high pitched music came out of no-where in full blast. The idiots broke their pose and circled the Tyrant, then Tofu flashed it. I swear the Tyrant's eyes popped out of it's skull when it saw that. The other two morons then started to kick it and beat it wildly. Finally Larcen had it pinned and kept telling it to say _Uncle, _too bad that Spastic lost his voice in the transformation. While Tofu put his clothes on and Larcen continued to pretend he was in the WWF, McDonalds ran back and grabbed his rocket launcher.

"Out of my way!" He knelt down and aimed as Larcen and Tofu quickly jumped out of the way. "I will start this!"

"End, moron not START!" Mikami shouted from out of frame. "END!"

_Shheeeewwwwww- BOOM!_

Different angle: _Shheeeewwwwww- BOOM!_

Different angle: _Shheeeewwwwww- BOOM!_

Different angle: _Shheeeewwwwww- BOOM!_

Different angle: _Shheeeewwwwww- BOOM!_

Every rocket that hit the Tyrant, made it hiss and take a step back. After the fifth rocket, it tried to balance it's weight, so not fall off, but it didn't work. He fell, and boy did he every scream on the way down. The only other thing McDonalds could remember hearing was a crash followed by a car alarm.

_**"The self-destruct mechanism has obviously been activated. 3 minutes till detonation. If you need to use the washroom, please do so now."**_

Just as the computer quit telling them they were about to die and started playing creepy elevator music. Wesker got up from behind the crate and walked over to his…ahem…Angels.

"I prepared a surprise for you!" He said with a smile on his face. "Remember our last adventure? When we were in 'Coon City and we were always chased by zombies and it was a horrible Matrix parody..."

Everyone glanced at the crate from where Wesker had just emerged. What they saw was a topless WC. Everyone's tongues now fell out of their mouth, including Ark…who had emerged from the shadows in time for the peep show. No one seemed to notice that Wesker was still rambling on.

"...And we left in that Soviet Hind Chopper?"

"Ya…" McDonalds' pouted as WC got her shirt back on. "…sure."

"Well, guess what's in the crate over there?"

Wesker pointed at a large crate with propellers sticking out of the top. McDonalds then broke into a very sloppy happy dance.

**1 Min later...**

Everyone was sitting in the chopper, ready to go. Including Spastic, thanks to a spare plot hole of Wesker's The engines were warmed up and McDonalds started to lift off. He soon noticed, however, that the chopper was at a tilt and wasn't running smoothly.

"Must be getting old."

**THE END**

**OR IS IT? I DUNNO**

**NOPE, IT'S NOT**

"Hey, maybe you should look to see if something is pulling us down." suggested Wesker.

"Like that will ever happen…backseat-driver."

McDonalds took a look back to see how the rest of the group was doing. They were throwing up, must be the first time flying for them. He then looked back at the horizon and noticed a mountain that and it was fairly close.

"Hey, where did this mountain come from?"

"I don't know." Wesker was busy trying to pry WC off his arm. "We should go higher to avoid hitting it."

McDonalds pulled the control stick back and they were now going way past 30,000 feet.

_CLUNK_

The mountain seems to have been closer then previously thought…

_THUMP_

An arm giving the middle finger slammed onto the windshield.

"Whoa, is that what I think it is?"

"Yeah." Wesker shoved WC aside to get a better look at the windshield.. "That's the Tyrant I turned to goo. Damn you Mikami!"

"Tyrant? I thought the mountain was fingering me." McDonalds shrugged. "I'll start this..."

"I'll finish this." Wesker shook his head. "Man you're an idiot."

McDonalds punched Wesker, then flipped the switch to arm the missile and fired. It flew through the Tyrant and it rammed into the side of the Sherry Factory, destroying the entire island. With that taken care of, McDonalds armed another missile and fired, this time the Tyrant stayed on it.

"3... 2... 1..." McDonalds got a bit nervous as the Tyrant and the missile still flew, but started to turn. "Christ! 3!.. 2!.. 1!.."

Still nothing, except that it was on a direct course for the chopper.

"AHHHHH!" .

The Tyrant Missile sandwiched it's way into the chopper. The Tyrant was still conscience and he was 'Enny meeny miny moe'ing the guys behind the cockpit. Wesker started to punch it repeatedly, he had lost his fear of tyrants apparently. The others just screamed like hell. McDonalds I wondered what had gone wrong and soon saw the big words _DUMMY WARHEAD _printed on the missile.

"Oh God, we're gonna die!"

Just about when all hope went to hell Ark climbed up a rope ladder from the side of the chopper and made his way to the Tyrants back. Why he was hanging out, literally hanging from the chopper is anyone's guess.

"Ark, knock it off onto the island! NOW!"

He kicked it and it fell. If you thought it screamed last time… Ark jumped into the chopper from the hole from the missile and sat down.

"My name is Ark, and I know everything..." Ark said, stating the obvious.

_KA-BOOM_

The night was filled with an orange glow, the chopper shook as the island exploded…for the second time…

_CLUNK_

"Oh no, not another one!" Larcen moaned.

"I don't know who I am, and I know nothing..." Said Ark.

Everyone sat there for a moment, wondering what to make out of that statement. Then everyone suddenly burst out in laughter, even Ark joined in as the still smoking arm of the tyrant slid off the windshield and fell into the ocean below. It seems the threat of world domination by little blonde girls has now been averted. The chopper flies off, presumably to purchase some beer and have a party at Wesker's house…WC is buying…

**- Fin -**


End file.
